I met with one of my new clients today. We had one of our first “real” sessions. We had a couple meetings prior to today and both times I had brought one of my BUILT TO LEAD partners. Today it was just the two of us. We started the discovery process. It was cool. We are beginning to build TRUST. This is the hardest and most delicate job of every leader. I am an EXPERT at this process. I am, after all, the coach. This is my lifes work. It only makes sense that I would be better at this than most “normal” leaders.
About an hour into our session he started to warm up. The truth started to flow. I began to get in the groove and laid out some very intriguing insights…if I do say so myself.
Then he told me the truth.
Actually he clarified it.
He asked me if I would be bringing partners from BUILT TO LEAD with me during our sessions. I told him that would not be the case. He continued. “I wouldn’t mind,” he said…”as long as you let me know ahead of time.”
Finally, I caught his message.
I had FAILED to tell him on BOTH previous occassions that someone else would be joining the party. It seemed like NO big deal to me. He wasn’t even a client yet. It was NO big deal.
Truth is, it was no big deal to me.
It mattered to him.
He was right. Trust is built in millions of these seemingly small matters. Together they are BIG deals.
I had missed the mark.
The coach had asked the client to trust me. The coach did not care if he brought someone else to the party. The client did. What a mess I made.
Trust is built and damaged in thousands of little things.
What is NO big deal to you, but matters to me?
What is NO big deal to you, but matters to your customers?
What is NO big deal to you, but is to her?
What is NO big deal to you, but is to him?
What is NO big deal to you, but is to your teen?
What is not big deal to your spouse, but is to you?
Why?
BUILT TO LEAD 
Chet,
Here’s an AND comment to your thoughts above…
Something that empathy and trust have in common is: YOUR OPINION IS INTERESTING BUT NOT RELEVANT.
To connect with someone empathically, It doesn’t matter if YOU think you understand the other person — it only matters if SHE feels that you understand.
Similarly, if you seek to be trusted, it doesn’t matter if YOU think you’re trustworthy — it only matters if YOUR TEAMMATES/CLIENTS/SPOUSE/BOSS/CHILDREN feel that you’re trustworthy.
We can and should work hard to listen empathically and develop the necessary character, commitment, competence, connection, and communication of trustworthiness.
BUT the answer to whether we’ve succeeded is found outside ourselves. And leads to the answers to your questions above.
Have a great trip.
Thanks George…love your AND!