Each week we at BTL get a front row seat to a variety of systems. We try to study, learn, and apply what is common and what is unique to each and every one of them. Some systems we work with are thriving, some are striving, and some are barely surviving. This blog exists as an attempt to pass whatever learning we have acquired, along. We care more about this work than our family, friends, and clients do. We get all amped up and crazy when we learn something that can materially help those that we serve.
They mostly care, but not that much.
We cannot imagine this to be so. Why wouldn’t I care as much about Kristi’s window as much as Miss and Mike (our builder) would? Why wouldn’t they care just as much about my discovery regarding how to jolt systems out of equilibrium? The same is, most likely, true for you and the systems that you’re in. Moving on…
All these systems, that we have the privilege to study, have at least one positional leader, most have some number of them. They all have a CEO, a business owner, a head of the system, if you will. They are very similar to the system that you work in. They are also eerily like the system you live in. Here’s one thing we’ve noticed about most of them.
When the leader leaves the room, the truth shows up.
Why is this?
Why do we hold back when the leader is in the room but have little to no “flow control” the minute he or she is not?
Why is it easier to tell the CEO coach, our friends, and our co-workers the truth then it is to even sugar coat it to the boss?
Why, as leaders, don’t we recognize this and mine for the conflict that we KNOW is present?
Why, as leaders, do we have certain people in our system that we simply refuse to learn from?
Why, as leaders, can’t we make it safe enough to frequently hear the truth?
Why, as leaders, do we fight this truth and act as if we don’t operate in an informational vacuum?
Why?
Too much FEAR, too little LOVE.
What dominates your system?
Tell me more…
BUILT TO LEAD 
Hey Chet, I love your line: “When the leader leaves the room, the truth shows up.” How true, how true. I have a perspective I’d like to share on some of the questions you pose. This is based on my personal experience.
First, I think we Builders at BUILT TO LEAD need to keep in mind that we are asking people very difficult questions, and encouraging very unusual and, sometimes, dangerous behavior for them to embrace. Why ‘dangerous’? Well, speaking truth to some leaders, especially positional ones, can get you flat out fired. That means loss of income, which is a form of death of self and family, the greatest human fear. Also, it means a loss of the community in which one works, another of the top-five human fears. Being fired means the chaos of unemployment and finding another job, and the possibility of relocation, all significant human fears. And, finally, risk of job loss means also the loss of reputation and status, in the world’s eyes at least–another great human fear. Even if the risk of being outright fired is relatively small, the impact of the event is huge. And there are more likely risks than being fired, such as being shunned from the “inner circle” or passed over for the next promotion. So, it’s understandable that this truth-telling behavior is rare.
Second, how many true leaders who WANT the perspectives of their people are out there? How many can take the implied criticism of another point of view, especially those from subordinates? How many have that kind of unconditional confidence and ego-control? How many have strong CORES? In my experience, it’s the small minority who have and can keep a strong core, and maintain openness to others’ opinions.
So, encouraging people to change before their leadership has changed is a “tough putt.”
Yes, it’s FEAR. But the fear is real because the risk is real. People suffer the negative consequences of courageous truth-telling a LOT. Examples abound.
I think there are only a few reasons why most people can take the risk. The first is our principle at BUILT TO LEAD that this kind of change can only take hold in an organization when the CEO GOES FIRST. The top leaders need to change to model truth-telling, or it will never take hold in an organization’s DNA. Otherwise, it’s only when the pain of living in that fearful state becomes greater for an individual than the pain of these negative consequences can one “wake up” and become true to oneself. Or, perhaps more hopefully, when the desire to live a life true to one’s beliefs and ideals trumps the value of more toys and goodies and bigger houses or more acceptable neighbors…
Another truth: Every leader gets precisely the team he or she deserves. Therefore every leader ought to ask “what kind of team, system, culture do I want?” and live in such a way to create the consequences of his or her answer. We at BUILT TO LEAD must keep saying to all leaders: “Stop whining about how your team seems so passive, or fearful, or negative, etc. Stop telling them that they should change. The team reflects your values, beliefs, fears, and behavior–you, the one at the top. Look at your team, and see yourself.”
Either way, it’s a rare and wonderful thing when someone does wake up. We should keep in mind HOW rare it is.
I love your thoughts and there is no arguing your examples. I love the fact that the band does not share the same set of eyes. There is more LOVE than fear here. However, I’m left feeling like you are offering the reader a sort of hall pass.
I’m very uncomfortable with that.
Life is much harder than a “tough putt.” The reason there are so few examples of great teams that carry the test of time is because most “normal” people wait until the leader changes before they change. AND, yes this comes at quite a cost. For many it has cost them everything, for most it has felt the same. That’s why we refer to our process as the Essentials of Excellence. Most systems, most leaders, and most teams don’t want to work as hard as excellence demands. The magic for us as builders and for our clients is to NOT lower the bar. We ask hard questions and we offer no apology. We are not for the masses and we must prepare accordingly.
The world is full of mediocre individuals, teams, and leaders that seek the status quo, yet want to somehow transform into ONE.
The truth is that life does NOT work that way…
Chester!
Of course “life” and a “tough putt” are not the same! We agree there, for sure.
(Excuse my casual use of an expression…).
AND, I did mention that it’s easier when the leader goes first, but not the only way excellence emerges. An individual can do this with us when their desire to live a life true to their beliefs and ideals trumps the value of more toys.
So, I think there is much more AND in our opinions than OR. Maybe I’m just reminding myself how difficult a thing excellence is, and that I ought to remind my clients of that more frequently. Normal systems are, well, the norm. Our clients find themselves within them. It takes a ton of power, energy, and courage to emerge and go your own way. AND leadership can come from every level. AND many people choose the more difficult way because it is MUCH more satisfying and, paradoxically, easier in the end. AND, many people get tired of the view when they wake up in a “nose to tail” system and can’t take it anymore.
Here’s a lyric from a dead Beatle that I want to reinforce as very close to my thinking (even though his Eastern worldview and mine are different in some ways). It’s from George Harrison’s last album, “Brainwashed,” issued soon after his death, from the album’s title song:
They brainwashed my great uncle
Brainwashed my cousin Bob
They even got my Grandma
While she was working for the mob
Brainwashed us while we’re sleeping
Brainwashed while in a traffic jam
Brainwashed while you’re weeping
As a baby in your pram.
Brainwashed by the military
Brainwashed while under duress
Brainwashed by the media
Brainwashed by the press
Brainwashed by computers
Brainwashed by mobile phone
Brainwashed by the satellite
Brainwashed to the bone.
Must be something I forgot
Down on Bulls**t Avenue
If we could only stop the rot
Wish that You’d brainwash us, too.
I am overjoyed that we Builders at BUILT TO LEAD are called to work down on Bulls**t Avenue and help people see the alternative to “normal.” I offer no hall pass, nor do I condone waiting until the leader goes first. But I do LOVE the fact that you correctly pointed out that my earlier reply seemed to imply those things. Thanks, Chet.
Excellent clarity Jim. Looking forward to band practice on monday. Isn’t that a funny thought…
Band. Practice.
Beautiful.
As i read Jim’s first response these thoughts came to me and made my pen write.
I believe that this is the opportunity! The opportunity that we (me), BTL, and those we all work with have to cross over all of these fears and look fear in the face or it is the opportunity lost. These buried truths only get bigger and erupt somewhere (probably at home) and inocent people suffer along with not so good outcomes at work or else where The reality is (for a work environment) the buried truths are masked or are hidden problems sitting like land mines ready to go off any time.How great of an organization can it be when you work around land miunes all day but have no idea where they are and when they might go off. You can not make someone love you or make someone trust you. I do not think you can ever get full commitment, trust, or love through fear. In my opinion, not speaking up out of fear is much more dangerious than to do so.What is the one thing we humans all want? Happiness? I do not think fear will ever take you there. It is a dead end. At the end of the day there is no choice. Why exist just to get life done?
Mike, you are SO RIGHT. One of the key things I have learned in the process of becoming built as a leader is the understanding that our fears, our integrity gaps, and our ignorance all have power over us unless and until we confront them. Once we chose to do that, we begin the process of owning them, commanding them, diminishing them and ultimately banishing them. Great to hear from you–a guy who is confronting all this with power!
All this acknowledged, it is still a very difficult thing to do. Excellence doesn’t come cheap. It is real. hard. work.
Band. Practice.
Beautiful.;. All the best!!