Today, I was reminded of something I’ve learned through this work. Actually, everyday, I’m reminded of something I’ve learned through this work. I need reminding…
Anyway, here it is. This, like so much of life, is easily understood and at the same time almost impossible to master.
Emotions are powerful. The root word “emotre” translates simply, “to move.” Emotions tell us that it’s time to ACT. Every decision, therefore, is laced with emotion. Period. There is no such thing as making a rational decision with only the thinking part of your cranium. Can’t be done. Most of my clients try to fight this fact. They want to make decisions without emotion. Here’s the root reason for most men. Don’t miss this. This is HUGE.
The reason that most men want to make “emotionless” decisions is the same reason that most times, they want to have emotionless conversations as well. In a word…
FEAR.
Most men, fear feeling. The reason is that we’ve been so hardwired by our survival instincts that we are afraid of what happens when we allow ourselves to feel. We fear that we’ll lose control. We fear that we’ll get really pissed and that we’ll do something that later, we’ll regret. So we build fortresses. We wall off. We tend toward the “even keel” and this can all be for the good. There are countless confrontations that call for restraint. Just not all…
Fathers, Husbands, and Leaders that bring out the best in those around them, work toward mastering their emotions. Mastering one’s emotions is a lifetime endeavor and requires hours and hours of practice and study. Most of us don’t want to work that hard.
Most men simply “reflect” whatever emotions they “receive.” In other words when someone comes into their office with a bad attitude they reflect the same back. When a team member leads with something that is perceived as an “attack,” the leader responds with a “hell strike” of their own. Somehow, most leaders don’t play fair. They use their position and power to “power over” those around them. Since the world is full of fear based followers, it only makes sense that normal leaders, simply reflect that fear.
Leaders that are mastering their emotional life are not in the reflecting business. Here’s the word difference. When you experience this, it will make a world of difference…
Emotional masters “regulate” not only their emotions, but they’re able to regulate the emotions of another. Magic…
When was the last time you transmitted hope to those around you that were full of FEAR?
When was the last time that someone entered your office on the attack and you absorbed the blows and the brunt and returned none of it?
When was the last time you tuned into your emotions as you experienced them?
When was the last time you blew it and led by being the first to “repair” the relationship?
When was the last time you “calmed” yourself while your spouse, your coworker, your leader, or your anything was trying to “trigger” a fight?
Tell me more, my friend.
Tell me more.
BTL Leaders are master connectors. Master connectors understand their own emotional life and the emotional lives of those they have the privilege of leading. These BTL Leaders get our best and absorb us at our worst. They make mistakes too. They blow it. The magic is that they also lead the way in the “repair” business. BTL Leaders are always in the business of repairing, real relationships. Yea, BABY.
These rare humans are able to change our mood just by being “with us.” These BTL Leaders regulate. They reflect the best in us and regulate the worst. We feel better just being “with them.” Magic.
Remember, this is our AIM…
BUILT TO LEAD 
This is a MUST read. . . and should be an attachment to the “Build Your Emotional Intelligence” Essential.
How timely — here’s a couple “ANDs” from two clients last week.
I met Valerie who came to a 3-day BUILT TO LEAD practice for leaders from other non-profits around the country. For years, she’s believed she’s needed to HIDE her feelings from her team. That if they leaked out they would discredit her or undermine logical decision-making. At the very first practice when we asked “WHY are YOU here?” she told her tablemates she had something wrong her eyes. She was the “quiet” one over the 3 days, soaking everything in — you knew she had something to say. After watching clips from Mr. Holland’s Opus, the prisoner delivery scene from Gettysburg, and talking about Building COMMITMENT (not compliance) by speaking FROM the heart TO the heart/mind/soul of our team, the dam inside Valerie busted loose. She grabbed the reigns and told her fellow builders at the practice she’d been stuffing & hiding her feelings from her team for years. She told them she’d been holding back TEARS all week, and that she now felt FREE to show her emotions with her team, realizing they would BUILD commitment as her team learned to “stick WITH the human” not “stick it to the man”. She’d shut down and kept in hiding the most innocent part of her personality, believing the lie that no one would follow her if she was really herself. The response of her fellow builders was swift in giving her courage and getting out their own FEARS that had been controlling them. YEA BABY!
How ironic that the lunch the day before was with the #2 leader (I’ll call him Amos) in a system loved by all of us at BUILT TO LEAD. Amos started the lunch telling me he’d heard his #1 say something he’d never heard before and that he couldn’t quite believe — that the #1 had told him he wrestled with confidence issues i.e. FEAR when he was in front of large clients — the shadows/ghosts from boyhood of a belligerent father. I asked Amos how that affected him — and Amos said he was astonished, even SHOCKED, b/c his #1 is a MASTER at his trade and he’d never seen any signs of this. So I asked Amos “has this made you waver in your confidence that #1 is the leader you thought he was?” The response was immediate and passionate. “Absolutely the OPPOSITE — my commitment to #1 just went way UP when he trusted me enough to share his fears with me, and it made me feel a lot safer about sharing my own.”
Are you ALONE, stuck in your Feelings & Fears by yourself, waking up at night thinking about them? or becoming more & more ALL ONE with your team? This would be a great topic to bring up with the Builder in your life.
p.s. BTW for any Meyers-Briggs type that has Introverted Feeling as one of their subconcious mental functions (or as the 4th mental function which is the “Bridge” to what’s happening under the radar), this means there is all the more have work to do to harness “Feeling” b/c it’s working against us and we’re not even conscious of it.
Here’s a different AND. . . .
A must read for most men in particular is called “The Anger Trap” by Dr. Les Carter. When anger is suppressed it comes out sideways somewhere else. ASSERTIVENESS is the outcome of a strong core, and looks much different than aggressiveness or passiveness (or a combo of the two).
And leads to FREEDOM:
1. Freedom to BE A TRUTH TELLER courageously in the moment — clear, concise & direct with respect, and without judging.
2. Freedom to FORGIVE so that grievances aren’t stored up, becoming toxic to the one holding on and their closest relationships.
3. Freedom to DISCIPLINE, so that team members get the timely input and correction they need to be aware of & close their performance gaps in a way that inspires them, not exasperates them.
4. Freedom to lead with PASSION and COMPASSION — the mark of a soul on fire!
You’re so right, Chet, we shouldn’t MISS this one — it’s HUGE.
I could not agree more with this. AND thanks to John and Chet, and my bride for helping me overcome this hurdle in my life.
Coming from someone that has struggled with their emotional intelligence, I can testify personally to the transformation it has had, and continues, in my life and work. They key that I have found is to really drill down to the underlying source (s) of the anger…and the MOST IMPORTANTLY, address them…NOW…The little insignificant things that used to cause a reaction, won’t anymore, rather you will begin to see it as an opportunity…
Try it…I promise, the question you will ask once you have is….Why have I waited so long to…?
KP. . . thank you for your inspiration, in word AND deed. That’s a great point about seeing little adversities as an “opportunity” — some of the most unexpected ones happen with our kids. So much at stake here — and such a huge key in finding & experiencing true OPUS in work & life.