Betrayed…

A couple days ago, in conversation with one of my clients and one of his team, I told my client that the root of their problem was quite clear, real simple to understand, and really hard to fix.  They both gave me the look.

The associate “felt” that he had been betrayed.  He “felt” that he was NOT being heard and that their approach was being thrown out without consideration.  AND, all this, after nearly 20 years of service.

The associate did NOT use the word “betrayed.”  I chose this word and did so carefully.  I’ve come to realize over the years performing this work that most humans do NOT speak the truth when speaking to the head of their system.  They just don’t.  Moving on…

My client had a real problem with my choice of words.  One of his deeply held beliefs is around his commitment to his team.  This contrary data was NOT registering well upstairs.  He told me he was having a hard time understanding that betrayal was at the root.  He “felt” like this situation was more of a “misunderstanding.”  He did not like holding that thought in his “working memory.”  You could tell just by reading his face.

I turned toward his teammate for clarification.  He confirmed his feelings were as I had interpreted them.  You could tell just by reading his face and his body.  Body language does tell the truth, but only for a brief moment of time.  Once this clarity was out in the open, we got to work on “changing our minds.”  And, change them, we did.  Very cool.

We can become prisoners to our preconceptions in so many subtle ways.  In this case, it was aroused because the brain was receiving data that ran counter to one of its deeply held beliefs.  He had a hard time accepting that this was so.  His first reaction was to argue that the data must be wrong.  As we spoke he quickly came around.  He changed his mind.  He allowed some evidence in that was in “violent disagreement” with his worldview, his deeply held beliefs.  He wrestled with this thought momentarily and then decided to let it in.  He became open.  AND…

Progress was made.  They made some decisions together, once their minds were open, that will clarify their position and create a way forward.  They agreed to put their thoughts and plans into writing and set the time aside for review and for decision making that would take place when they came…

Together.

The mind is a hard (wired) thing to change.  This is mostly a good thing.  We wouldn’t be any good if we couldn’t rely on our brain to take shortcuts, rush to judge, and run on automatic pilot the majority of the time.  However, we will not become a master decision maker without developing the ability to hold dissonant thoughts in our “working memory” and learn to deal with it versus dismissing it.  AND, we won’t become a master decision maker without “violent disagreements” to our worldview being allowed in.  Notice I didn’t say that we must allow them to change us, but we must remain open to the possibility.

Otherwise we will slowly insert ourselves into the prison of our own minds.  We’ll have plenty of company inside these prison walls.  The sad part will be that none of us will be connecting.  We’ll feel like we’re in a crowded prison and we’ll feel, at the same time, that we’re…

ALONE.

When was the last time you questioned your deepest held beliefs?

When was the last time you listened to on of your front line workers, really heard their “violent disagreement” with your approach, and, instead of dismissing them as young, ignorant, and out of line, asked them to tell you more?

Tell me more, my friend.

Tell me more…