Just got off the phone with Captain Kirk who shared how deeply touched he was by some simple feedback from an associate who had reciprocated his complement with, “I appreciate what you do, and what you are trying to do”. It’s sad how rarely leaders hear that. When we draw it out from teams in BUILT TO LEAD practices, it’s usually a surprising & emotional moment for all.
Coincidentally with the melody line of this week’s blogs, I’ve been reading a tremendous book called “The Relationship Cure” by Dr. John Gottman. Whether people are struggling to save a marriage, a partnership, or to build rapport with a difficult boss, “they usually have one thing in common: They need to share emotional information that can help them feel connected.” As HUmans, we all have the innate desire to satisfy one of 3 emotional needs: to be included, to have a sense of control in our lives, or to be liked.
Because most men & leaders of either gender have a personality preference for thinking — not feeling — this kind of talk is uncomfortable.
It gets even more uncomfortable when we realize how much WE as leaders contribute to this. “But even our best efforts to connect can be jeopardized as a result of one basic problem: failure to master what I call the ‘bid’ — the fundamental unit of emotional communication. . . a bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch — any single expression that says, ‘I want to feel connected to you.’ A response to a bid is just that — a positive or negative answer to somebody’s request for emotional connection. ” How profoundly does this affect relationships?
- Husbands headed for divorce disregard their wives’ bids for connection 82% of the time, while husbands in stable relationships disregard their wives’ bids just 19% of the time. (For wives it’s 50% and 14%).
- In healthy relationships, the NUMBER of bids extended is about 10 per minute, versus just 6 per minute in an unhealthy relationship. Over time, that adds up!
- People who stay emotionally connected resolve issues better during conflicts, repair hurt feelings, and build positive regard. The only bidding for those who don’t is ‘goodbye & farewell.’
- A positive response leads to more bids. A negative response leads to less bids — unhealthy relationships hardly re-bid at all. NO response (not willing to even engage — ignoring or acting preoccupied) is the most destructive, often leading to hostile and defensive behavior (and early divorce in a marriage).
Want a better relationship with your partner? team? spouse? kids? Remember Chet’s mantra “Watch Your Ratios” and This “Bid’s” for YOU… — stop keeping score, and start reaching out & INITIATING bids “unequally.” Build Your Emotional Intelligence by paying attention and RESPONDING to the hundreds & thousands of bids each day that others are making to you. Build your Courage and ask “how do I unknowingly shut you down & others trying to connect with me?”
My “bid” for you is to become the catalyst for the partnership/marriage/family/team/community you yearn for.
BUILT TO LEAD 