Independence

If we are to make healthy progress through life, we all need to successfully navigate the passages from Dependence through Independence to Interdependence.

Kids are dependent on their parents and, as they emerge into adolescence, their grounded parents look for appropriate opportunities to grant freedom to them to experiment and grow towards independence. This is a tough transition for kids and parents alike. To make it work and to add the “IN” to dependence, the kids must go “OUT”–into the world, away from the close protection of the family. That is a scary time. Yet it must be accomplished or the child remains dependent upon others throughout life, and psychologically needy in those many ways that characterize an “eternal child.”

Another vital transition occurs in early adulthood: the progression from simple independence to interdependence. From “alone” to “all one,” as we have heard, is one “L” of a difference, and the difference is LOVE. A healthy young adult must move away from love only of the self towards love for others. Most of us make it, thank God, but many don’t. Those who don’t remain stuck in self preoccupation for the rest of their lives, stunting the growth of their full personalities and, sadly, their possibilities for a happy and abundant life living to their full potential.

There is a final transition that all of us will face one day; one that more and more of us ignore these days until it is literally too late. That is the mature realization of death as the end of our physical selves and of our life here on earth. Facing this truth before it is too late allows us to see the beauty in life’s brevity, and to realize that there is an invitation to live each day to its fullest.

Pets can help teach us these lessons, and others like responsibility, while providing many hours of companionship and unconditional love (especially if those pets happen to be dogs). My kids had the great fortune, up until tonight, to share their young lives with a little Soft-Coated Irish Wheaten Terrier named Independence, or “Indy” for short. Indy came home on my son Danny’s 5th birthday in August 2000. He was born, however, on the Fourth of July of that year, so we named him Independence in honor of his illustrious birthday.

Indy was the perfect dog for this family. He was spirited, like a terrier, but calm, like the larger Irish working dogs bred into the breed a couple of hundred years ago. His biggest flaw was his greatest strength–he was too friendly. My wife Lauri called him our “Greetin’ Wheaten” because he would greet all friends at our front door with a jump up to say “hi.” After a little lovin’ and a scratch or two around the ears, Indy would relax and go find a place near the conversation to fall into a contented sleep.

That’s what he did tonight, in his favorite spot near the fireplace in the living room, around 8 p.m., never to awake again in this world. We were out, celebrating another birthday. When he did not greet us at the back door from the garage, I knew something was seriously wrong. It was the first time he’d failed to do that in 10 years.

Earlier today, my daughter Kerry had just returned home on Spring Break from college, greeted by Indy as usual. Tonight Kerry, her older sister Claire, and my son Dan are grieving. Lost is a family member, one of the pack. Ten very short years ago they were small, dependent children of 5, 8, and 12 years of age when Indy came into the family. Tonight they are all young adults, emerging into interdependence. They got there, in part, because of Independence.

How quickly it goes.

You know?