Yesterday, during practice number 28 with a team of 20 something that is growing in every sense of the word, we role played three pairs side by side. We gave each of them the same scenerio. We practiced negotiating in front of our peers. We put people under pressure to perform. We caused those that wanted to improve to go through some acute pain to rid themselves of the chronic pain of feeling like they were always leaving money on the table.
Not everyone chose to walk into their acute pain. Some stood back and simply observed. Some tuned out more or less. A few really got after it and made some progress. For the progress to translate into new habits on the phone, however, it will take more practice and a lot more acute pain.
Today, during another practice, I reminded another client that the way through his relational pain, at home, is more acute pain. Relationships, just like our negotiation skills do not magically get better by simply repeating the model that we’ve habituated. Relationships improve, remember, when one party decides to walk into their own acute pain and give more than the other. Talk about the opposite of negotiate to win…
It could be giving them more “benefit of the doubt.” It could be giving them more truth in LOVE. It could be giving them more clear, concise, and direct feedback about their behavior and what damage it is doing to the ones they love. It could be giving them more of your undivided attention and learning to sit in and really listen without fixing. It could be giving them more feedback that you understand them and their situation. It could be giving them a more clear declaration of your feelings.
It could be giving them a reminder more than once, more than twice, more than you have time for, and more than you think is necessary. Like Will Hunting received from his therapist in the movie, Good Will Hunting, it could take ten times before your partner hears your words and accepts your repairs. You see, the only way to peace with others is to embrace more acute pain yourself. The more you accept that this is true, the more repaired and restored your relationships will become. Never perfect, never pure. At least not now, not here, not yet.
The problem with relationships is that both parties are good at keeping score at how often they’ve been hurt, how often they’ve been snubbed, how often they’ve been given the short end of the stick. And, both parties are for shit at keeping score when they’ve hurt, snubbed, and ripped off another. Remember we all have a justice thread that is overly tuned to ourselves.
Assume your perspective is a little warped, my friend. Give more. Give more. Give more. Give until it hurts. Give until it really hurts. Give until it hurts acutely. Peace is just up ahead, on the other side.
God, help me gain your perspective and give, give, give until there’s nothing left. God, help me…
BUILT TO LEAD 