Happy couples and couples on the verge of divorce have at least one thing in common. Acccording to research done by John Gottman, they both have the same amount of “perpetual” conflict – 69 percent! Sixty nine percent of couples conflict is not going away. Yikes. Great couples and great teammates learn to laugh not languish in this reality. The truth is we all have gridlocked conflict especially with those we love. Conflict is here and it’s not going away. The key is how you react. Develop the habit of telling your spouse and your teammates exactly what you want from them.
Stop wishing.
Stop wishing for them to magically show up and start giving it to you. Ask for it. Ask for what you want with uncommon clarity. Ask them what they want from you. Develop the habit of responding, positively to their bids. Give them what they want.
Stop attempting to fix them.
Your spouse does not want to be fixed any more than your teammate does. Tell them what you want and ask them what they want. Get busy dealing with the conflict that results when you discover some of what each other wants is problematic. Conflict is not the problem. Perpetual conflict is a reality. Find productive ways to solve what is solve able. Stop wishing things were different. Wish less. Want more.
Couples headed for divorce learn to loathe when gridlocked. Happy couples, on the other hand, learn to laugh at conflict that once drove them crazy. Productive teammates learn likewise. What are you learning to do with yours – laugh or loathe. You choose. Your choices have consequences.
Here’s the funniest piece to the conflict puzzle – you gotta fight, first. You and your teammate, if you’re going to learn to laugh, have to develop the habit of fighting fair, first. You’ve got to have it out. Tell each other what you want. Hear each other out. Tune in and listen for the tiny truth hidden in each other’s perspective. Stop giving each other the Heisman and, instead, give each other what each wants. Laughter arrives sometime after round 10. Hang in there, my friend – it’s gonna be funny sometime soon.
Trust me.
BUILT TO LEAD 
Toto I am LOL seeing this today, because I just spent the morning and past week reading the earlier version of this same blog with multiple clients!!
No wonder ‘version one’ which you titled “Wish Less and Want More” written & posted years ago is still your #1 hit.
It’s at the heart of true ONEness. It’s the conversation we have to fight for first with-IN to gain clarity and alignment in our own CORE, and then model over and over again with others.
It’s truly “The Relationship Cure” — thank you Toto, and thank you John Gottman.