On My Knees

Truth: Real suffering leads to real salvation.

I was in hell for 679 days.

The cold floor beneath me looked like and FELT like I was walking on ice that had frozen over a deep lake. It was freezing cold. I kept “waiting” for the “weight” of my own despair to break the ice…leading to my death. I saw and FELT nothing but darkness. I was alone. Or so I thought. So I FELT.

And then?…It was over. The Son and the sun…shined on me. The Spirit, who was always there, opened my eyes – – – opened my ears – – – healed my voice – – – strengthened my legs and opened my heart.

I fell fully, completely, on my knees. Not a half-hearted surrender. Not a prayer recited by habit and memory. It was unspoken. The Spirit groaned for me. I was trembling:

Jesus, I can’t.

And He came.

The Spirit turned the Light on.

He did NOT shout. He did NOT erase all of the pain. He did NOT make it all go away. He was there. Present. Near. Holding me when I could NOT hold myself.

Suffering and terrible confusion had brought me here. The worst suffering I have ever been through. The pain and confusion had stripped me bare. Naked. It tore me open. I was bleeding out. And in that brokenness, that despair – – – the Spirit AND salvation came to me.

The last two weeks have only confirmed this truth: Salvation is NOT a reward for strength. It’s a gift in surrender. Hell is real. Heaven is real. And sometimes, the only way to one is through the other.

I was in hell for 679 days. And then? I wasn’t.

When you FEEL like you have nothing left to do but give up…do NOT give up.

Look UP.

“DO NOT BE AFRAID, ONLY BELIEVE.” Mark 5:36

Thank you, Abba. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Paraclete. Thank you to my builders, my sacred band, my teammates, my friends and family. Thank you, AST.

Where are YOU today? On YOUR feet, pretending YOU have got it all together? Or on YOUR knees, finally letting go? Don’t fear the fall. Surrender is where salvation begins.

Together We Transform – – – always, ALWAYS TOGETHER