Dream & Do TRAPS: Part 2 of 4

A second trap on the Builder’s Journey is what Robert McGee calls ‘APPROVAL ADDICTION.’   It often ‘lies’ underneath the Performance Trap (Dream & Do Traps: Part 1 of 4).

The false belief is that you aren’t significant unless & until you have earned ___________’s approval (e.g. of your boss, mentor, mom, dad, granddad, spouse. . .it may not even be a living person).   Getting approval becomes an object of worship with all the problems idols offer. . . your acceptance, peace, rest, freedom, joy, and fulfillment are always conditional on someone ELSE.

In the Anger Trap, Dr. Les Carter puts it this way:  “In large measure, emotional dependency operates on a subconscious level.  By that I mean most people do not sit on the side of the bed each morning thinking, ‘OK, who am I going to hand my emotional stability to today?’   We do not consciously plan to become dependent upon others, but it happens whether we are aware of it or not.  People who are seeking to lessen the intensity of their anger help themselves immensely if they learn to become CONSCIOUS of the presence of dependency so they can then make adjustments in their thoughts and behaviors.    Primarily they need to adjust their CORE BELIEFS about personal worth. (p. 76).”

Fear of rejection drives attempts to please others at any cost and makes you overly sensitive to criticism.  You WITHDRAW from important others to avoid disapproval.    Conversely, those whose approval you DON’T value FEEL de-valued by you.

Practical suggestions? 

WRITE prayerfully about your fears and about what makes you feel significant & WHY to surface & identify the individual(s) whose approval has enslaved you.   You will have passionate feelings about this person — but not necessarily positive.  WARNING:   This will make the pain more ACUTE, not less, before you become free.

Know your TENDENCIES.  None are immune, but those with strengths like HARMONY or WOO or EMPATHY are especially vulnerable.

Chet’s dad gave Toto-lly freeing wisdom:  “You know, son, half of the people in life ARE going to like you, and half AREN’T.   Half of them will know why, and half won’t.”

When you catch yourself man-pleasing, being overly sensitive or withdrawing from important others, ask yourself “what am I believing about my ACCEPTANCE?”    No matter who, other people make POOR gods.  Do NOT worship them.  DO build a strong CORE for who you are APART from what others think.  I love the HBO clip about John Adams, the only Colonial lawyer willing to defend British soldiers after the Boston Massacre.  It illustrates the COURAGE of heart and ‘CORE’-AGE of belief that successfully stands for what’s right, even when massively unpopular or at great personal expense.

As a baby step, PRACTICE serving those whose approval you don’t crave — even better, serve behind the scenes anonymously. 

Finally, do NOT become other people’s god.   Do NOT reward sucking up or efforts to extrude frivolous praise.  DO seize opportunities of FAILURE to draw others near & draw them out.  DO speak truth in love to transform APPROVAL-centered, OTHERS-controlling addiction into CORE-centered, SELF-controlling freedom.