By way of reminder…
My client did not enjoy hearing the truth. I don’t either, oftentimes. People that love you, really love you, tell you anyway. They just do. These people are a rare treasure, a rare find, and much needed in a world full of “enablers.”
I told my client that he had mastered the art of what I refer to as “triple D.” He would listen intently to the input from another, genuinely reflect back what he was hearing, and in the nicest of ways, give it and the unarmed sender, “the Heisman.”
My client is a good King and when I told him he was mastering something harmful, two folks from his Kingdom, sheepishly backed me up. As I continued to interrupt the good King the minute he started his “triple D dance,” something amazing happened. The sheepish inner circle started to bring it. Their voices started to gain clarity and conviction. The King began to let them in. This is rare air, for sure. Rarely is the head of a system so fortunate to have an inner circle that is this tough and this loving. What transpired over the next hour, was pure magic as we illustrated where mastering “triple D” leads. It leads to a lack of feedback. AND, feedback is the “breakfast of champions.” The breakfast of good Kings.
What is “triple D?”
Defend, Deny, and Destroy.
When you hear something tough or challenging or simply something that you are not accustomed to hearing, most normal humans, to maintain their sense of identify and self esteem, develop the habit of deflecting.
They defend their position.
They deny that there is any real change needed.
AND, they destroy the argument and the arguer.
Many times they do this with really nice words. Sometimes they do this in a flying rage. Neither is the one you want.
This past week a good King learned a good lesson from his inner circle. He is practicing catching himself. He is listening to his truth tellers. AND, he took this new knowledge home to his bride. He was scared to death to go there. He did it anyway.
He called me the next day. He sounded like a kid who had just learned something about the universe in science class, that he couldn’t wait to share with whomever would listen. He sounded like someone that had reconnected.
He had.
He sounded emotional and vulnerable and full of life. He told me that he and his bride had not communicated like they had last night, in years. He told me it was “FREAKIN Magic,” Chet.
Yea, BABY…
BUILT TO LEAD 
Similar result from the melody lines of my conversations with a young leader this week from a slightly different angle…
Leaders are Believers and Leaders are Connectors. To live out both of these, Leaders must also be RECEIVERS. Very different than a “taker.” A taker uses their power and self-protection to extract what they want when they want it and how they want it from others around them. Takers are self-centered and others-controlling. And very self-protective.
“Receivers” do not “take” from others… rather they ask and empower and allow and even challenge others to GIVE me that which is “my chief want in life” — i.e. to RECEIVE from others “who shall make me do what I can.” It takes large doses of humility and courage to be a Receiver of truth and love from others. Receivers are core-centered and self-controlling. They do not respond with 3D.
The question my young leader asked his bride this weekend was “how am I at receiving from you?” LIke most men, he heard that his bride would LOVE for him to let her love him both physically AND emotionally — NOT at “arms length.”
Thank you, bride, for being his true “ezer kinegdo” (lit. deliverer, sustainer).
Can’t wait to hear the rest of that story. Like the Eagles put it at the end of their song Desperado — “it may be rainin’ but there’s a rainbow above you, you gotta LET somebody LOVE you… before it’s tooooo late.”
‘L Yeah. Leaders are Believers, Connectors, AND Receivers.