I’m reading the book, clean and seeing so many ways to tie the learnings here to our BTL practice over there. First and foremost there are no easy answers. One size does not fit all. Demanding different behaviors rarely works when staring down an addict or when calling out a colleague or talking truth with a teammate. Like it or not, leading a loved one toward sobriety and leading a teammate toward performing at their peak is outside our control.
Humans tend to listen to one person – themselves.
Michael Pantalon from Yale says it well when describing why addicts come clean. “People change by hearing themselves argue in favor of the change. Different wheels start turning, wheels in their brain that haven’t gotten exercise at all, because they’ve been defensive.”
As leaders our job is to play Curious George with a bit of an edge at times. Ask good, curious questions. Push for clarity around good “why questions” that engage anothers brain. BTL practice is primarily focused on “making” people think. Rarely are answers given directly to participants questions. Most often the question is met with a deeper return volley, if you will.
Like it or not your teammate, brother, boss, or pain pill addicted patient listens to one person a whole lot more than you. Your best bet to influence another is to understand them and LOVE them enough to make them think for themselves in new ways.
New ways is key.
New ways that challenge their current paradigm and get them to the root. Helping another develop their thinking is much harder than simply giving them yours. Yikes. Again Leonardo’s genius shines bright. His first essential for building your genius, remember, is all about becoming more and more curious about your subject and having an arsenal of piercing questions at your ready. Piercing questions have the power to change paradigms. Limp, lazy, layup kinda ones, not so much. BTL leaders possess piercing probes that start the wheels turning in other people. Very cool…
Curious George and my way IS the highway is the one you want, my friend. At least that’s my idea. You got a better one?
BUILT TO LEAD 
Toto, your post made me re-think some feedback I got after a men’s retreat. Instead of the usual stand-up teaching the group was expecting, I facilitated a 90-minute BUILT TO LEAD practice on principles for becoming a Godly dad. There was a lot of reading & writing and speaking & listening. The energy level rose as men got real about their shit, their fears, and their inadequacies. And rose further as we were reminded that because leaders are BELIEVERS and leaders are CONNECTORS, we have all the resources it takes in our faith to lead our families in TRUTH and LOVE.
Mostly I asked questions. Lots of them. We experienced the magic of flow together, and the best feedback was from the work itself — as it always is. I knew it was a great session, and the retreat leader affirmed that when we de-briefed later. “You know, I have to admit I was pretty skeptical when it started, but it was just awesome. It’s not how I would have done it but it was really, really great. My only critique is that some of the questions you asked were either ‘too obvious,’ or at the other extreme ‘too hard.'”
I nodded and said “thank you.”
If I had asked ONLY questions that were too obvious or too hard, that would have been exasperating, not inspiring. As fathers, we’re not to exasperate our kids — same goes for good builders. However, to be a good father AND a good builder — SOME of our questions must push both of those extremes. To be reminded of WHY the obvious is the obvious (and hear OURSELVES say it) and to be pushed to think about what we THINK is too hard (and learn that even though it hurts it won’t KILL us — in fact it will make us STRONGER and we will remember it much LONGER because the pain of hard-thinking makes it STICK).
Yet another good reminder from Emerson that “our chief want in life is someone who shall make us (i.e. ourSELVES…including Bill’s own Self, right Toto?) do what we….CAN.”