loss and LOVE…

Yesterday, Sister Sue took my Miss to the hospital. I was running to another practice when my dumb phone displayed a text that turned my car around. Team Fishel took a back seat to Team Miss as my car turned on 315 North and headed for Riverside Hospital. I sped.

Upon arriving in the Emergency Room, I slowed significantly. For hours that seemed like days and a couple days that seemed like months, I watched my bride writhe in pain like no human I had ever seen. She had a kidney stone that was the size of a boulder. The Greek Comanche was out of her mind in pain. She pushed two out of four without any pain meds. I mean, pushed em out while sweating bullets and somehow still smiling and yet this moment, and this pain, had her begging for more medication within minutes of being lit. I was helpless. I was scared and yet something inside of me told me to keep my shit together. Stay strong. Stay calm. My mind kept shoving my fears to the recesses and shoving my strength to the fro. Miss was out of her mind, what good could I be if I was out of mine…

So, I kept it together. Today, Dr. Boulderdeath would line up Miss’ kidney stone and blow it to bits. Before he did his magic, however, my Miss had to endure acute pain that no narcotic seemed able to tame. Her face and eyes were shot. She didn’t scream, she didn’t yell. Her eyes, however, lost their life. They looked like they couldn’t see and her face was a forever picture of pain. Me, I felt nothing. Strong. Calm. I remained.

At 9:54AM the nurse rolled Miss from pre-op’s to surgery. This was where family simply says goodbye. The nurse gave us a minute together. I kissed her cheeks and forehead and told her I loved her and would see her soon. She did likewise. We smiled and away they went…

I headed to the family waiting area and checked in, checked her status and promptly headed out for a walk around the hospital. There was no way I could simply sit still now…

Walking down the green corridor, I dialed my Mom to give her an update on my Miss. She didn’t pick up so I just decided to leave her a short message and leave it at that. “Hey, Mom” I began without so much as a hesitation, ” Miss is in surgery now…”

Miss is in surgery now and then nothing. My mind had the script but my mouth wouldn’t cooperate. Nothing. No words. Silence.

Suddenly, silence was replaced with total system shutdown. The tears were flowing down my face as I flipped the dumb phone shut and shook like a freakin’ baby boy. I turned down an empty corridor and just let my emotion leave me. Strength and calm were swept away as sadness, fear, and LOVE hit me like some kinda tidal wave I was powerless to fight. For a few seconds that turned into moments, I simply allowed myself to feel. Surprisingly, I felt somewhat relieved as I realized the depth of my emotion for my bride.

Today, my bride is back home and her boulder has been left behind. Tonight, we are back together as if we had never been apart. Today, however, will stay with me. My bride was bruised and beaten by a damn boulder from her kidney. I wish I could have been there when Dr. Boulderdeath killed it. Tonight, I am celebrating a return to normalcy and I’m celebrating that I have someone worth losing it for.

God, thank you for today with my Greek Comanche. God, thank you for giving us your LOVE and the ability to feel life. The feeling of loss as badass as it is, doesn’t hold a candle to the pure euphoria of LOVE.

loss and LOVE. Thanks, God, for the and…