Victims, Survivors, and Thrivers

This framework came up twice today in conversations with a client and a fellow builder. I think it is useful for all of us who are letting go of “baggage” on our Builder’s Journey from living in a self-centered/others-controlling way to becoming core-centered/self-controlling. All of us are victimized from time to time by circumstances or others outside our will or control — that’s not in question here — the point of the framework is to examine the thinking underneath where we take up residence in our response.

The irony of taking up residence in victim-hood is it is actually a choice for those who feel they have none. Anais Nin’s quote “we don’t see things the way they are, we see things the way WE are” is particularly appropriate here. Victims believe they have NO choice, NO control, NO power. It is what Dr. Seligman calls the state of “learned helplessness.” It is fear-based and shame-based. So what’s the draw of this “neighborhood”? It is a state of dependence. There are no mirrors for taking responsibility — only windows for looking out to assign blame. It can become a way of manipulating others to care for us in ways we could care for ourselves. Victims mostly remain victims because there are ample enablers eager to foster co-dependency.

At the opposite end of the spectrum is another fear-based and shame-based state called “survivor-hood.” Nin’s quote applies here, too. A survivor’s thinking is quite black + white. They must have TOTAL control, TOTAL power and see only two choices — my way OR the highway. DO or DIE. A survivor’s motto regarding victimhood “never again” is right in what it affirms (i.e. the dependence of victimhood) but wrong in what it rejects (i.e. anything short of total autonomy & independence). Survivors are SELF-reliant to a fault because they can’t extend trust beyond a small circle.

Victims and Survivors remain stuck living self-centered/others-controlling lives, and they cannot lead anyone further than they have led themselves.

Thrivers often hail FROM Victim-hood and Survivor-hood, but they have CHOSEN not to settle in either state because they have learned to challenge the thinking about the deepest held beliefs in their core. Like Viktor Frankl, they’ve realized no matter what they’ve been victimized by, NO one can rob you of your choice of how you respond unless you let them. Therein lies the measure of power & control you need — not total, but enough. Some is all you need for freedom from victimhood. For dignity. For integrity. Which opens up the doors not to be controlled by fear or shame. Thrivers have also learned there is a life much richer than the narrow life of a Survivor, where interdependence is possible. Where there are MANY choices. Where a willingness to trust is the default. Thrivers are driven no longer by fear, but by love. They Dream & Do.

And they move forward on their Builder’s Journey from living self-centered/others-controlling lives to being more & more core-centered/self-controlling. And are able to lead others out of victimhood and survivorhood.

As I wrote this I realized this is part of what BUILT TO LEAD practice is all about — and that the more we practice with individuals & teams, the more we are able to come clean and see things the way they really are — with ourselves, and with one another. And to grow into becoming more and more distinct AND deeply connected within and with one another.

Together we improve….to become more and more ONE.