Fail forward…

I began practice recently with a client that has been with me a few months by telling him something he is NOT accustomed to hearing. “You failed,” I told him simply and as a matter of fact. His brow furrowed, his chin protruded just a bit, and his hands kinda death gripped the arms of his very beautiful, weathered oak chair. His mouth didn’t open for a brief second as his brain wrapped itself around the meaning of those words.

Finally his mouth opened and did what it has historically done when confronted with information that belies belief – it attempted to rationalize it away. Immediately, I interrupted his train of thought with a question. I asked him if he played video games. He quickly responded with a smile and an answer. He did not. Just as quickly I asked if his children played. His smile widened as he kinda chuckled and said they were practically pro’s. “Do you know how they’ve become pro’s,” I asked him. Lots of practice he told me.

“Lot’s of feedback,” I corrected him. Tons of it, actually. You see, game designers know how to hook our kids on playing. They give them nearly constant feedback about how they’re doing. The game is designed to be challenging and push their abilities to the limit. The most frequent form of corrective feedback the game gives is one word – Fail. When you fail really badly, the game gives you two words – Epic fail.

Today’s generation has a different relationship with the word fail than does mine. You see, my client is almost as old as me and I’m trying to get him to wire in some new behaviors that are gonna feel un-natural for quite awhile. If he’s gonna get better he’s gonna have to get comfortable with failing. He will, eventually, fail forward. You and I are no different. The real “f” word isn’t the foul one you think it is. The real “f” word is fear. Fear of failure stops us from letting in the kinda feedback that can really teach us new ways forward. This is the real “f” word you gotta change your mindset toward.

Throughout history you will see that the greatest among us have changed their minds. They have embraced failure and replaced their fear of it with their study of it. Failure gives us tons of feedback if we pay attention and learn from it. Failure isn’t the problem. Repeating a failing pattern and not knowing you are off track is the one that’s messed up. My client failed. He was given feedback nearly immediately. Whether he goes forward with it is on him. He’s got some work to do to change his mindset. I’m betting he will – it’s just gonna take some time.

Someday, he’s gonna smile when he fails. He’s gonna relax his brow, his eyes are gonna narrow at the edges, his mouth will curl up ever so slightly and his hands will loosen their death grip on whatever their holding. His mouth will open almost reflexively and the words will pop out with the clarity and conviction of one that knows they’re getting better and about to get moreso. He’ll look me or some other truth teller in the eye and simply say – “Tell me more.”

He will fail his way forward. Fail forward, my friend. Fail forward…