Personal, ethical, strategic, and situational trust are the ingredients to team chemistry – trust at it’s highest level. This same formula is the foundation upon which meaningful marriages are built. Marriage is all about how deeply we trust one another, right?
One of the favorite exercises we facilitate at BTL we’ve named “7 good minutes.” The purpose of the exercise is to build situational trust. Quick reminder…situational trust in a sentence is when your team believes in your ability, desire, and willingness to understand them and their situation. This kinda trust leads team members to switch from wanting to “stick it to the man” to simply “stickin’ with this HUman. You can try this at home and at work.
Step 1. Set aside a quiet time to play “7 good minutes” with one person that you want to better understand.
Step 2. Ask them curious questions. Only ask questions that lead to understanding. Do not interrogate. Start easy and progressively go deeper. Maintain eye contact.
Step 3. Do not comment. Do not attempt to fix – simply ask questions to understand. Notice how hard this is. Focus your mind exclusively on the other person. Forget the pain or injustice between you. Forget your needs. Focus on the other. Get out of your own way. It’s impossible to get lost in another when you can’t STOP thinking of yourself.
Step 4. Switch roles and start over with Step 1.
You just spent 7 good minutes understanding and being understood. How did it feel? What did you learn? How can you apply what you learned to improve performance? Who else do you need to understand instead of rushing to judge and FIX?
Turns out Anatol Rapport’s formula doesn’t limit you to 7 minutes but it is almost the same formula she puts forth for resolving conflict. You can check out her “blueprint” on page 241-242 of John and Jule Gottmans book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. I’ve found that what works at home, works period. 7 & 7 is not my idea of a good drink, but it is a great formula for building situational trust. Pour one for you and your team and you just might agree. All it takes is time. Correction, all it takes is a ton of time.
You see, the problem with 7 good minutes is to give the gift of understanding to another you’ve got to forget about being understood. And, the problem gets worse the closer you and the person you’re trying to understand are. Here’s why. Marriages are meant to be meaningful and yet the longer and deeper we go with another the more we tend to expect and assume. And, the more easily we’re hurt, betrayed, and wounded to the point of walling off. So, when we try to give the gift of understanding to another one we love, inevitably, we can’t get out of our own way and misuse the minutes. Instead of getting lost in another we tend to, oftentimes subconsciously, lead them to understanding us better through questions that are a bit more about us than them. I see this all the time in really well intentioned couples and companies. I saw this, in fact, today.
Mastering 7 good minutes at home requires one partner to lead in giving this gift. God, help me give this gift. God, help us all give this gift and get out of our own way. God, help me…
BUILT TO LEAD 
Great tool. Going to use it. Great post. Thanks BTL.