In my coaching practice I’ve discovered that the problems we face at home can often point us to similar problems at work. The things that drive your spouse crazy are not much different from what sends your team to the watercooler.
Every relationship is blessed and or cursed by conflict. According to one of my favorite leaders…a guy named Bono, you are “only as good as the arguments you get.” I tend to agree. However, I must admit that rushing into conflict or mining for it, especially at home, is not something I eagerly anticipate. Why is conflict so difficult to deal with at home? Why do your meetings at the office have so little conflict and result in so few decisions?
When faced with conflict at home here are a couple “normal” responses. The female type wants to talk. She wants to make her feelings known and be understood. The man simply wants to run. Given the choice between fight or flight, most of us men choose to take a hike. Usually the reason we run is due to our fear. We are afraid of what might happen if we hang around. We fear being flooded by our emotions…actually only one emotion…anger! Instead of talking with our spouse we run. We run to the bar, to the course, to the track and to the tables. We run to the fields, to the church, to our buddies and to other people. We run to the yard, to the garage, to the gym, to the net, and , of course, back to never ending work. We run. Our wives want to talk. Why do you and I want to walk?
There are no easy answers that fit every couple. Here are a few thoughts.
Men are wired to compare and compete. When conflict arises we think this is another chance for us to prove our worth. We want to fix things. When we stop running long enough to talk, we quickly want to offer the solution. Women are wired to relate. My wife does not want me to fix her. My wife wants me to hear her.
John Gottman runs the “love lab” at the University of Washington. You most likely have heard of him if you are a fan of Malcom Gladwell’s book Blink. In the love lab they videotape married couples discussing something that is a conflict for them. By watching the body language in the first 15 minutes, Gottman is able to predict which couples will still be married in 15 years 90% of the time! Here’s what he looks for. Positive vs. negative emotions. If the couple does not have at least a 5 to 1 ratio for positive vs. negative emotions it rarely survives. He also looks for the “four horsemen.” The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Interestingly both men and women display the first three fairly equally. In marriages going the wrong way, stonewalling is present and almost always produced by, you guessed it, the man.
You don’t need to check into the love lab to make a move towards your spouse. Men, bury your fear and face towards your bride. Do not fix…simply face and relate. Wives, try to avoid the harsh setup that is loaded with criticism and contempt. Men want your respect and can’t take your coaching without it.
How are your ratios at home? Which of the four horsemen is in your barn? How are your ratios at work? How can you be sure? Which of the four horsemen is in your office? Talk about it…together.
My latest read on this subject…John and Julie Gottman’s book, 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. Loaded with nuggets for work and life.
BUILT TO LEAD 
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