“Double Listening”

I was talking with Toto (aka Chet) Friday and we were reflecting on a paradox we feel all the time.

If, as Jim Sullivan aptly puts it — “the heart of performance is building TRUST, and the heart of building trust is just LISTENING” — well, shouldn’t this be EASY?   Most of us have had two hearing ears since birth.

On the other hand, we know what we teach is really HARD —  much of the time Toto & I feel like we’re stumbling around in the dark trying to listen to what our clients or spouse or kids are really saying (or NOT saying) with only a seemingly dim light at the end of the tunnel somehow guiding us.

At BUILT TO LEAD, we teach that listening is “tuning in with all your senses and every fiber of your being like an animal being stalked.”   Why does an animal do that?  Because its life depends on it.  And SO does yours and mine. . .

Think of someone in your life who’s a great listener – easy to talk to.  Besides full eye contact, non-judgmental body language, facial expressions that are gracious & curious – they practice the gift of keeping the conversation going in one direction, i.e. YOURS.   They draw you out and ask you to rinse & repeat when you’re stuck.  They pierce your heart with questions that help you see yourself accurately, and who you’re becoming.

At church last Sunday, Gary reviewed a concept he calls “Double Listening.”   It’s the OPPOSITE of “half-listening” (one of a leader’s worst habits. . . e.g. checking email, crackberry, looking for something, daydreaming, etc.).

Gary said “Double Listening” is what he does as a pastor when he’s at his absolute best.  It starts with prayerfully asking God to be part of a conversation he’s about to have with someone – for the ears & heart to really listen, and for the wisdom & grace in what questions to ask and in how & when to speak.  It continues during the conversation as God quiets the noise & inner voices that hinder staying focused and deeply connecting.  It culminates with gaining uncanny clarity plus the courage, humility & respect to raise the key questions or to suggest the productive actions that will be most helpful.  It ends with a huge “WOW,” beyond magic for both parties.

Our late friend & mentor, Larry Allen, used to exhort us and his clients to “practice the ministry of being WITH.”   This is the essence of what “Double Listening” is all about.  It’s about inviting God to be with you so you can be completely with someone else and deeply connect with them, and with what God is doing.   Talk about the ultimate of being in “flow”. . .

So I leave you with Gary’s & Larry’s challenge.  Want to become your absolute best? Start practicing “Double Listening” and being fully WITH your fellow leaders, your team, your spouse, and your kids.