We humans are loss aversive by nature, so for ego survival we defend/deny/destroy. This is at the heart of the third trap on the Builder’s Journey which Robert McGee calls the ‘BLAME GAME.’ Often it ‘lies’ underneath the missplaced Dream States called Approval Addiction & the Performance Trap
The false belief is that you aren’t significant unless you are RIGHT, and that “those who fail (including myself) are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished.” Not-being-in-the-wrong becomes an obsession that leads to judging, self-delusion, self-protection, defensiveness, loathing, accusation, lashing out & retributive evil.
WARNING! This trap is particulaly ugly, toxic and DANGEROUS to self, relationships, families, teams & communities. It’s legacy is dissension, divorce, lawsuits & HELL of every kind.
Practical suggestions?
First, realize that this is a REACTIVE trap you’ve habituated in your THINKING. Because you are HUMAN, adverse feelings, thoughts or circumstances impacting your radar at any moment trigger a RUSH TO JUDGE. They just do. And they surface subliminally in the form of judger QUESTIONS, like “Whose FAULT is it? What’s wrong with ME? What’s wrong with THEM?”
By building your CORE stronger, you can interrupt the spiral into the Judger Pit by TALKING BACK TO YOURSELF. The title of one of the first books we have every new client read holds the key: Change your QUESTIONS, Change your LIFE.
Do NOT live in victimhood. There is a CHOICE MAP all along the Builder’s Journey. As you CHOOSE to ask non-judging questions about what’s happening, you will escape the Judger Pit & switch lanes from the Judger Path to the LEARNER path. Your mood will change and your ability to see multiple options will become clear.
The first principle for building your wisdom modeled by Leonardo da Vinci is to value NOT knowing. Having to be right all the time is a CURSE to your personal growth AND relationships.
To escape the BLAME GAME your ego must GO. As you CHOOSE humility — looking in the mirror before looking out the window — you will discover the FREEDOM that comes from being WRONG.
God, we need your help to do this. Our ego dies hard. Help us to not only SEE our wrongs but to ADMIT them to others, and to do it QUICKER. Inspire us to let others off the hook by remembering what it’s like to BE forgiven.
And become a powerful BLESSING in all our relationships.
BUILT TO LEAD 