Who you are when you’re WITH them…

… is more important than what you DO.

It’s not that what you do when you’re with them isn’t important – it is, but it’s secondary. Who you are when you’re with them is MORE important than what you do.

The “them” is whatever system, team, teammate, bride, significant other, family, child, teenager, group, friend, customer, prospect or whomever you happen to be around.

This has become my melody line for 2015. I was reminded of this on Tuesday shadowing Toto with Grappy and his wrestlers.

Mental Health 101 is to STOP trying to use your influence to fix others around you, especially when they are moving away from you. Mental Health 201 is to start working on strengthening your own core, your own center of gravity. This change of focus and effort will make you more healthy, more sane, less neurotic about what others are doing or not doing — AND increase your mass of attraction, which will increase your influence and your effectiveness with others, because your culture flows from your core.

This is the essence of the Builder’s Journey from self-centered, others-controlling to CORE-centered, self-controlling.

Mental Health 301 is to trust your core and practice what our friend Larry called giving others the gift of being WITH. It sounds prideful or arrogant but it’s anything but, because with a strong core, it’s not about you anymore — it’s about something bigger than yourself. Others will be more curious and more receptive because we humans are attracted to someone with a strong core. They will be moving toward you, sensing you aren’t trying to fix them anymore, just wanting to be with them and get better together.

Who you are when you’re with them is more important than what you do.

Who you are is discerned by others from your demeanor… by how you react or don’t react… what excites you… what doesn’t piss you off so much anymore… the gift you give of asking curious questions leading to someone feeling more understood…. the clarity you have speaking the truth in love CCD… your quiet confidence in telling others what you want, asking them what they want, connecting others to what you believe and why, and helping connect them to what they believe and why.

When you are healthier, you make everyone around you healthier. What you do isn’t enough. Being with them isn’t enough.

Who you ARE when you’re with them – that’s where magic in a relationship or a team begins.

This is why we practice one-on-one first with the leader, and THEN and only then with the leader AND their team.

Together we improve.

1 thought on “Who you are when you’re WITH them…

  1. Awesome post John! Thanks for the sneak peek at our session last Thursday. Too often I’m trying to exercise my pride in influencing others rather than just letting things flow naturally from a strong core. I re-read this again close to 2:00. Thanks for the reminder to re-focus on being CORE centered. Jeff.

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