Wish less. Want more version x.0…

Happy couples and ones on the verge of divorce have at least one thing in common. Acccording to research done by John Gottman, they both have the same amount of “perpetual” conflict. The number is 69. Yup it is. 69 percent of all marital conflict is “gridlocked.” It is not going away. Great couples just like great companies are able to laugh not languish in this reality. The truth is that we all have conflict and in fact we all have conflict that is not going away. Ever. The key is how we recognize this and what we Do with it. This is “common sense” but far from common practice. Develop the habit of telling your spouse and your team members exactly what you want from them. Stop wishing for them to just magically show up and start giving it to you. Ask for it. Ask for what you want with uncommon clarity. And ask them what they want from you!

Stop trying to fix them. Your spouse does not want to be fixed any more than your team does. Tell them what you want and ask them what they want. Bid, if you will. Get busy dealing with the conflict that results when you discover some of what each wants is problematic. Conflict is not the problem. Perpetual conflict is a reality. Find productive ways to solve what is solveable and forget the rest. Even better – learn to laugh. Yes, learn how to laugh at what habitually you loathe. You can learn to do this just as you can learn optimism. In fact, maybe this is nothing more than optimism.

Stop wishing things were different. Tell your partner what you want. Ask what they want. Deal, out in the open with your bids. Good…

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