Petey passed me the ball and I knew I had to take the shot today because this one was going to hurt to write.
You are not enough
You do not deserve this
You are not loved
I hate myself
Those are a just a few of the attacks on my name that my ego throws at me on an hourly basis. My ego is a monster most of the time.
I have spent the last several years trying to understand the root of this self-talk and have concluded that I may never know.
This is the burden of life I have been given that I am trying to turn into a gift.
I recently finished The River of Doubt by Candice Millard, which is an incredible recount of Teddy Roosevelt‘s insane trek through the Amazon. It was clear he escaped his existential angst through pushing his mind, body, and soul to the limit. This trek resulted in the River of Doubt being renamed in his honor. I’m renaming my stream of negative self-talk the river of doubt in his honor for this learning.
What Teddy taught me was that when we are experiencing this deep internal pain, primarily because of the way we talk to our self, there are two options, productive action, or destructive action.
On my best day I choose PA. On my worst DA. But in the last 15 months there is a name that I protect dearly, even from my ego, and that’s the one my son calls me when he comes running up to give me a big bear hug. Dada.
I am a broken man trying to become whole. My son Beck, my wife Lauren and a select few are helping me on this journey.
I don’t share this to depress, impress or ask for sympathy. I share this vulnerably with you all in hopes that if you are experiencing some of the same negative patterns that you are not alone, and we can all surf this river of doubt together. Always together.
BUILT TO LEAD 
Kinda needed this message today – thanks for your honesty and your writing. Also, that was an excellent book!
Beautiful, Jiggs. Another reminder of the power of a strong CORE and training yourself to talk BACK to yourself. Discover, remember, and protect who you truly are.
It begins with the real, hard, work of discovery. Together we transform.
More writing like this please. Fuh-Ree-King-Mah-Jick!
Brother Mike…left jab, left jab, overhand cross and then the left hook. I have learned to stalk truth, in part, because of you. I am close-by…giving my all…in order to stay-in-the-ring. As you would tell me to do. We struggle every day, we are both beginning to embrace the struggle for what it is…I am humbled to be in your corner – as you are – in mine.
“dada”…yes. Beautiful.
Thank you for your vulnerability.
Your friend and ally – in this life and the next.
Jim
1COR13:13
I was once told by one of the greatest warriors I have ever known, “Jim, we follow you because you are a warrior. We love you because you let us see your vulnerability. You open yourself up to us. This is why we love you….”
Makes me cry just to think about those times.
Thank you, Jiggles, for sharing from your heart. You are not alone. You are loved by many, including those you mentioned and more than a few others. You are a lot like another son of mine. Translation. You are in my heart too…
Sent from my iPad
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Great writing, Jiggs. Some of your best.
Jiggs, rolling a bit further with Teddy, “…the credit (and the love) belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…who spends himself in a worthy cause.” And there is no more worthy cause than the hard work of discovering and becoming the real you, the best you, the true you. You, Jiggs, are in that arena, willingly. And so the credit – and our love – belongs to you.
Our dear brother, Jiggs…my heart responds to your raw and real blog with these words…straight from my heart: You are more than enough. You are strong enough to get through this. You are wholly loved by your Band. You are wholly loved by God. And you are able to love yourself. You are on the most important and powerful journey of your life. We are With you. I see you. I see your breakthroughs, Mike. And yes, God has given you Lauren and precious Beck as your fellow Builders. Blessed!
Jiggs,
You have opened the door for others to understand their not a lone and it’s how we can learn to find new paths mentally to change the negative script! As I said in my note to you, I can totally relate to your story!
Pete