As a fairly new parent (a 15 month old), I’m learning a ton at each new stage. A lot of things TO do, and just as many NOT to do. Here’s one of the big ones that has become clear to me, and seems to be counter cultural. I believe we do more harm than good with a constant focus on the feelings of a child. Stop asking kids incessantly what they’re feeling. Give them rich emotional language to describe their feelings, yes. But stop asking them to orient to and focus on their current emotional state, which usually comes along with an expectation of happiness. More often than not we’re not actually “happy.” And in fact the arguably highest and best emotional state – flow – is characterized by an absence of emotions!
Related, when we focus on emotions it takes us out of the moment. A task orientation leads to more feelings of efficacy, empowerment, growth. State (feelings) orientation does the opposite. It makes the task seem bigger and me seem less capable, typically. This is why coaches focus on the task – do your job – NOT the feeling.
There’s a time and a place for feelings conversations. Relentless focus on it, however, does more harm than good. It pulls out more negative feelings, not less. We become less happy the more we focus on whether or not we’re happy. Happiness is an outgrowth, a lagging indicator. Focus on the task at hand, in pursuit of OPUS, and you’ll likely feel happier on the other side of it!
BUILT TO LEAD 