Helluva day for this dude’s heart ❤️ yesterday. It was Day 24,635.
Here’s my thinking from yesterday for me. This is raw and unedited. Long. Will make no sense to most, makes perfect sense to me. Feel free to skip. I share it with hope it will hit home with a few. God bless…
Early wake up. No coffee. No water. Shower. Shave. Miss still sleeping. Alone with my thoughts for the day. What am I mostly feeling this am? In a word – dread. I’m glad it’s here. Hopeful to feel better tomorrow. Still confused. To I really have AFib? Are we sure this is the only problem? What else could be wrong with this dang heart of mine? Is the muscle weakened from my cycling or strengthened by it? The gene doc confirmed my genetic predisposition is crap cardiovascular wise. What no doc knows is I got Maries will somewhere in here too. Feeling like not going and calling in sick. Can’t do that. Really, really want to though. What if I’m pushing these doc’s to fast and too hard? Maybe if I was just patient this whole AFib episodic problem would just fix itself? Maybe my heart is out of rhythm because some of my relationships are too. Why can’t I reach Taylor? God, why? Remember, Chet, you do believe life is more mystery than puzzle. There are pieces missing for sure. And, it’s not as simple as finding ’em. Damn.
Miss is up early because she loves my sorriness. Bathe in this Chet. You have so many souls praying for you and sending good wishes. Wherever you go, remember, God promises to never leave you or forsake you. You’re in the Doc’s hands today. You’re forever in God’s great BIG, loving ones. Nothing you do can separate you from the love of Christ. Nothing done. Nothing yet to come. You are His son. Rest in this. I’m giving it a go by marinating on your Word, Father. Please keep my heart focused here. The mind (mine too) is so easily distracted. Focus on truth not your feeling of dread. God, help me.
Miss drove me to Riverside. She rarely drives me. I’m in Miss Daisy mode. Not loving it either. Nobody seems to know how to drive down freakin’ 315! We arrive. Look in each others eyes. Embrace. Kiss. Pray. Miss say’s a lovely prayer and I “and” it. Tears are welling but not flowing. I love this little girl and know she loves me. Blessed, I’m thinking as I close the door to the gallop and head into the heart hospital.
Second floor check in. My mind? What the hell am I doing here. You don’t belong here, Chet. Tell some jokes and get the hell out. It’s still not too late. I check in, anyway. Barely get seated and some cheery dude walks around the corner calling out “Chester, Chester?” We make eye contact and I grab my book, IPad and move with him. We’re moving into pre-op and my psyche is no longer filled with dread. Not sure the emotion but it’s different and I think I like it a bit better. Change into their God awful gown and socks. The airlines, I think to myself, have better socks.
I hope on the bed, grab my book The Way of Excellence, by Brad Stulberg (btw halfway through and it’s not excellent, not bad, very BTL, but not excellent), grab my pen and settle in for some reading time as I wait my turn. It’s 9:45. They are supposed to take me back at 10:45.
Get about three pages in the book and two smiling women start popping a couple IV’s and shaving me from head to toe. Ok, it wasn’t’ head to toe but they cleaned up my torso and groin like never before. My first leadership moment arrives. First of many. Already were plenty, I know…
Ms. Shaver, “How many of these you do in a day?” 50-100 she replied without blinking. I’m thinking to myself that sounds like labor to me. She laughs and says she loves it. Her work helps people avoid pain she tells me. By shaving me the patches (coming so all over my torso and back will not result in hair pulling pain. Thank you in advance I tell her. She smiles again. As she begins to shave my groin she kindly informs me my privates are covered. Leadership thought. This is so much the problem. All leaders and teammates are so busy protecting their privates, figuratively you know. How can we build oneness when everybody hides? No wonder trust is the heart of high performance and so rare. We’re all worried about being found out instead of embracing the truth of our brokenhearted selves in need of healing. God, help me stop worrying about my privates. You know all about me. God, help me trust in your word and let other people see the real me, the broken me, the beaten me, and the redeemed me – thank you, Jesus…
IV’s in. Hair gone. Now we wait. It’s just past 10bells. Instead of back to the “excellent” book (damn judger, Chet, maybe this is his best work), I begin to pray. I don’t start praying for me but can’t help but start by praying for each Grand baby (they are each THE best). Aedán, Rowan, Daisy, Vivienne, and Lillian (coming soon). I pray for their souls as much as their success. Yes, I want to give them everything and know giving them an example is the best gift. God, help me show them what it looks like to live and love well. God, help me remember to share your Word and most importantly your deed. God, if you take me today for whatever is your reason, I trust your time is right. As I pray these words, I sense my heart filling. What is it, Chet. In a word – Peace.
So, I keep praying. The Lord’s Prayer is next, then The Psalms come quickly to mind. Psalm 23, 92 (Mom’s fav). John 3:16 and 8:32 (my favorite). I Cor 13 – The best chapter ever written in my opinion. Ephesians 6 (God’s armor). Phil 1:21, 4:6-7, 4:13. I keep praying verses I don’t know exactly but they’re buried in this heart of mine and coming up for air now. I keep praying and take a break to tell Miss I’m feeling better. Told her I’m at peace. Her response was CCD, freakin’ magic. She asks if they’ve slipped me any drugs yet. None. My reply.
I would tell her later it was prayer, only prayer. Peace.
Doc Badin is here. Shakes my hand. Looks me in the eye and tells me they’re running behind. Had an emergency. Unplanned visitor. Took precedent. I smiled inside and out. What’s the rush, I thought to myself. I’ve got nowhere else I’d rather be this freakin’ moment. What a change in your mind, Chet. Then Doc drops a leadership bomb. Walks me through the procedure at 50,000 foot level. Mid sentence he takes a call. They were calling from the operating room and want to talk about my low heart rate (45-48 all morning). They’re concerned. Doc is CCD with them. “He’s fine. He’s an athlete.” Ends call. I’m smiling mostly inside. If he only knew, I am an athlete, entrepreneur, artist, and so much more. Doc goes back into his pre-op speech. You’re going to do fine, we do this all the time, and some other gobbly gook I can’t recall. Then the bomb. Doc pauses. Looks me in the eyes again. “There are risks.” There it is the disclaimer. Matter of fact. No explanation of what could go wrong. Just truth. There are risks. No dah I think to myself. Another worldview belief of mine front and center – Life is risk. We’re all hanging by a thread. Most of us think too much about what could go wrong and do, well, nothing. I’m making a bet today. A good one, I believe. There’s another worldview thought, Chet.
Faith without science is fools gold. Science without faith is science fiction. Trust the science has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
Doc Badin shakes my hand and I’m back to my prayers and thoughts. Peace. A couple hours later around a little before noon, they are ready for this sorry sack. They roll me in and the room is filled with large screen TV’s. I climb up on the op table and get my head in their comfortable cradle. Surprised me how comfortable it really was. There are people, I think I count five, all talking about anything but me. They are hooking me up after putting patches all over my torso and back. I am now wired for sight and sound. Doc Sleepy (Ben) puts the tube on my nose and tells me to practice breathing in and out. Each breathe out knocks the tube off. One of nurses pushes it down and I keep getting a breathe. Familiar.
Aren’t we all just trying to catch a breath when the pressure of the world keeps pushing us down? Is it the world, or just our damn foggy perception of it? No time to think now. Later. Things are about to get serious as Doc Sleepy tells me to breathe deeply as the good stuff is coming. He tells me the first breath its something I don’t recall – likely a pain pour, tells me the next one is gonna sting a little and then I’ll be asleep and not notice. I brace for impact, mentally. Never comes.
Alley tells me her name and informs me I’m heading to recovery. I’m groggy but fairly alert. Feel nothing. Nothing. Strange. Alley tells me we’ll be together for an hour and then she’ll wheel me off to another recovery area where Miss can come visit. Oh my, I think to myself. Can’t wait to see MY Miss. For now it’s me and Alley. She looks and acts like an angel, just sayin. She is friendly and engaging me in small talk while clacking on the keyboard. So, I don’t need much of an invite, you know. Where do you live, I ask and away we go. She lives in Shawnee Hills just across the Scioto. I ask her to tell me more and she does. Married with two boys age 7 and 3. Both names begin with A’s as does hers and her hubby. I ask for names. Well, she begins, I chose the middle names and used my family since his last name carries on it seemed only fair to get a little of my legacy in there too. I don’t remember the second boys name. The first one seared my sorriness. His name?
Aidan James. Oh my gosh. I can hardly wait to tell her our first grandson shares the same name only his is spelled Aedán James. We laugh at the coincidence. I smile at the Divine appointment. My mind goes back to my pre-op prayer for these grandbaby gifts of ours. What are the chances I drew Alley as my recover nurse? What are the chances she reminds me of an angel? What are the chances her son’s name? I stop thinking and let the prayer of gratitude overwhelm my very being. She keeps speaking. I stop listening. She is kind and it was rude of me to cut her off, if only in my attention. Remember this Chet, people often tune you out when something you said resonates. Slow the F^&* down and read the room. Give words more air to breathe. I always forget this truth. Thanks, Alley for the reminder. The hour flies by. Next minute she is wheeling to final recovery. Miss will be coming soon. Heart is lifting.
The new nurses are kind and darn it if I can’t remember nurse numero uno’s name. She was only there for an hour. BJ was with me for a couple hours, maybe a bit more. Time is now a blur. My mind feels reset. Fully aware, or so I believe. Are we ever really fully aware? Damn.
Miss arrives all smiles. She does not like hospitals. Understatement. She can’t stand them. I know this is hard for her in so many ways. Yet, she’s here and putting on her best face for me. Her face is bright and beautiful. She wearing her favorite comfy pants and reminds me she can’t believe I wore underwear and jeans. She’s right, I tell her and BJ. I Should have gone commando with sweats. BJ laughs at my unfiltered bias. Miss rolls her eyes. Heard it all too often. We all laugh. There’s the best medicine, right there.
Laughter.
This dominates the vibe in the room from now until departure wheelchair arrives. It is nearly 5pm and we’re out just in time for traffic. Miss leaves to get the jallopy and I take my time to gingerly move from bed to wheelchair. I told them I could walk out. They tell me to sitthehelldown. Had to try. Why are so damn stubborn, Chet. Serves you well and not so well. Could we gain a little wisdom, please, I emphatically remind my sorriness. Leadership thought. Our greatest strengths, when overly leaned on, become great weaknesses. We all gotta lean in and learn to lean against these damn tendencies of ours. Lots of time to think today, Chet. Your heart is healing and you can’t feel it. Your heart was hurting earlier and you couldn’t feel that either. Life is more mystery than puzzle. Hopefully today we found a missing piece to my health journey. Will we ever know? Will I ever completely heal? Will I ever be whole? The answer doesn’t trouble me now. Today I faced some fears. Felt more love than fear. Still do. Further confirmed why I’m here, where I’m going, and how to get there. And, the best laid plans produce laughter in Heaven. I like to believe it’s healthy laughter like we enjoyed today. God is not laughing at us. He is, in fact, laughing with us. God loves us like none other. We will never know this side of Heaven. So glad to have faith and great Docs too. So blessed to have MY Miss and so many loved ones reading this rant of yesterday, my perspective. Today. Rest. No normal routine for this heart of mine for one week. Doctors orders. I’m following them. Who said I wasn’t coachable. God, help me remember Day 24,635. God, help me take this great gift of life, day by day. God, help me give and take care. God, help me give more. Damn.
Live hard. Love ❤️ harder. Amen…
Aedán James and his favorite jersey and treat. ❤️
BUILT TO LEAD 