My natural reaction to hard things is no different than yours. I tend to avoid them on purpose and when they somehow hit me up side of my face, I blame others and get all woe is me and depressed in the process. I’ve come to see the Holiday’s this way. In my mind’s memory they used to be some kinda magical as we celebrated together as one big, happy family. Since the kids have become adults I don’t anticipate this season’s arrival as I once did. You see, my mind, just like yours, is naturally wired to hold onto the negative and recall it with some kinda freakin’ crazy clarity, or so it seems. This morning as Jordan abruptly departed my car at Port Columbus, he did so without so much as looking back. He grabbed his bag, shut the door, said something without so much as looking at me, and was gone.
Gone.
Alright, I exaggerate. I’m overly tuned to my feelings, his, not so much. I feel like I hardly know the man he’s become. I feel like he doesn’t care enough to include me or invite me. All I know is how I feel. I imagine and catastrophize what he must think about me to treat me so matter of fact, as if I’m nothing more than a taxi. And this is why every close relationship is so hard, isn’t it. This is why, as Bono once wrote, “home is where the hurt is.” All I know, on my best days, is how I feel. And, my feelings are freakin’ drunk with self absorbtion and cannot be trusted – yet I think mine are right and yours are wrong. I think I know what you’re thinking and what motivated your behavior when, truth be told, I don’t even grasp my own.
Relationships are hard. I’m beginning to realize a big reason why is because we all tend to extrapolate our feelings inaccurately, especially our negative ones. I have no idea why my son left so abruptly this early morning as he exited my car, but it was most likely because he was concerned about making his flight and had little to do with me. As I’m writing this, I’m feeling better seeing how silly it seems as it’s put in black and white in front of me. My mind is calming down and I’m thinking a bit more clearly. Everything is NOT lost. Good.
Holidays are hard. Patterns are broken. Young adults return to a nest they feel they’ve flown and kinda outgrown. Nothing is normal. And, guys like me are over-tuned to myself, my feelings, and my sense of what everybody is thinking. God, help me get out of my own way. God, help me deal with my own motives, my own behaviors, and my own mis-steps. God, help me have the courage to look in the mirror and own my own. God, help me. Good.
My relationships just got better; bitter, not so much. I have a lot to learn…
BUILT TO LEAD 
Thanks for writing this mental process out… it’s good to know I’m not alone AND that all is not what it feels.