This will not be a popular post.
The single greatest predictor of who stays married has much more to do with beliefs/mindset than it does adultery, abuse, addiction, or any other adversity the marriage is certain to face. All relationships are gonna face an assortment of adversity. Fact. The greatest predictor of who stays is whether or not they have an “opt out” belief. The same is true if you want to finish well anything you’ve started, friend. When you are overwhelmed, your preloaded “No opt out,” keeps you pedaling, working, standing, and simply staying put. The weak mind wants to opt out when times get tough. Fact. You’ve read your vows, now hard wire ‘em into your mindset. No opt out. Good.
The same is true when we study who makes it through SEAL Buds, West Point, or Green Beret’s selection school. According to Mike Matthews (military psychologist at West Point) all their predictive tests, talent evaluations, and even their whole candidates core don’t reliably predict who makes it through Beast (their version of BUD’s). Mike’s seen a whole bunch of talented, can’t miss types, not make it through. His experience and research regarding the greatest predictor for making it through Beast – “Never give up attitude.” No opt out.
Want to change a limiting behavior of yours? Set some bright boundaries that your brain can’t miss. Give yourself no option – none. “Never give up. No opt out.” You can make it through almost anything if you give yourself no option to quit. Need more data? Read Angela Duckworth’s book titled Grit. Read any John & Julie Gottman research. Read Galton’s white paper from the 1800’s on high performance. Read 1 Corinthians 13 and keep rereading it. Marriage is meant for your holiness more than it is for your happiness (Thanks, Rich Nathan). You become more whole when you value commitment more than freedom. Remember, you don’t get better by quickly, easily, and frequently, changing partners, companies, or other commitments. You get better by committing to the real, hard, work of changing yourself. You get better when you build a mindset of no opt out. You can, in fact, do more than you think. Commit to be the change, you’ll see. Commit. Good.
Live hard. Love harder (Thanks, Teeks)…