Miss laughed at me last night. You see, she picked up my latest Amazon acquisition (she buys supplements, I buy books) and it read like a sex guide. The book is titled The Man’s Guide to Women, by John & Julie Gottman, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. She picked it up and began reading in the middle out of curiosity. And, yeah, there are a couple steamy segments about reading hips, seduction, and making love. I’ve not reached those chapters as of yet. I started at the beginning and, men, the most important question we must answer for all the women in our world is very deep, vast, and gonna unravel most honest men’s hearts right from the start. The question – will in typical female form it’s a four parter (I told you).
Is he safe? Will he be there for me? Is he dependable? Is he trustworthy?
And, here’s how most hearts answer this question subconsciously more so than consciously – Is he there for me (yeah, I know men, what the hell does being there for her mean). According to Gottman’s “Love Lab” research of the past 40 years, women want a man who is attuned to them. The problem for most males I’ve studied is not only do we lack this kinda tuneage, we don’t even know where to begin to tune in. So, Gottman’s got us covered with an acronym – A.T.T.U.N.E. kinda catchy, huh.
Attend. Undivided attention whenever possible. When she enters your space, put away distractions and attend to her or tell her when you will. Attend to her emotional needs, first and foremost.
Turn toward. My gosh I’ve written this one so many times it blurs my mind to think any men following this rant need more explanation. Talk. Face to face, men. Tune into what’s not said but written on her face. Again, read her emotions.
Understand. Do not fix, don’t try to distract her, don’t offer solutions, don’t make jokes, don’t minimize (I know, I know, this sucks. This goes against everything we’re so freakin’ good at doing). It’s not about saying anything, men. It’s about showing up and sitting in (we’re good at showing up too).
Nondefensive listening. Again, don’t counter attack, react, justify, or the BTL triple d (defend, deny, destroy). Tune in to all their emotions and “downregulate” your anger. In other words, stay calm when the convo gets critical, condescending, and especially when its coming your way.
Empathize. Understanding is the head case, empathy is from the heart. Try to feel what your woman is feeling (I know men, try to feel what you’re feeling first and keep calm. Now carry on and try to feel for her feelings). Good.
Attunement is a learned skill that most men have not built. Attuning begins by tuning in to ourselves. I mean come on man, if you haven’t figured out what frequency you’re on, how you gonna possibly find her channel? You, gotta know who you are, first. Again, this is why at BTL, we begin with every client working one on one with just them. We tune in like an animal being stalked, not like a stalker. We help another human dial in their own station and hear it static free. We call this process authoring your CORE, but you know that. So, friend, go back to look at your inner space, get clearer, dial in to your station, get it super tuned (your beliefs to behaviors), and now you’re more than ready to tune into another with a clear mind, welcoming heart, and open hands. Attune…
Attune. God, help me tune into Miss. God, help me tune into Mom. God, help me tune into Krits. God, help me tune into family, friends, and clients. God, help me give more than I take. God, help me keep our line wide open. God, help me be who I am, learn to get lost in another, not lose my sense of self, and become more myself through deep connection with you, your creation, and other hurting creatures like me. God, help me…