Recently, one of my favorite clients (I love them all), told me he can hardly look at his wife these days. She turned down work worth lots more mullah, dinero, $. My client feels she is being short sighted. So, as you might imagine, a fight broke out back at the ranch. Money fights are always a mess. As my client finished explaining his side of the story I could tell he felt justified with his level of anger. He looked at me wanting a validating response. I gave him one.
I asked him what kinda marriage he wants. He looked at me with confusion across his brow. So, I clarified. I told him good work if he’s aiming at a transactional relationship with one he loves. And, I continued, without much of a breathe, to tell my client he was mastering the lowest form of love – reciprocal. His brow furrowed, his jaw tightened, and his face grew a bit more red and colorful. When I told him to go home and “choose to lose,” I might as well have been speaking French.
You see, when most of us are wronged, we stonewall out of fear of the fight. We run. We don’t resolve what is resolveable, we hope we’ll forget and go on with our lives. The recipe to getting yourself and your loved ones whole again, always involves acute pain. Transformational relationships require that you become ONE, distinct and deeply connected. This requires you to turn toward her when it starts to get crazy and your emotions scream for you to move away. Remember, men, the strong turn toward their woman. The weak scream, hit, and run away. Hit and run will turn transactional relationships into toxic ones. Turning toward will take you from transacting to transforming. You choose. Your choices have consequences.
Instead of running friend, try practicing 7 good minutes and better understanding another. Practice the art of staying deeply connected. Real, hard, work, when you’re hurting, I get it. Nobody said transforming together was gonna be easy. Friend, go for something more than reciprocal love. It helps to remember God offers us agape love but we gotta let it in. I encourage you to let this in and then give a little from your hurting and healing heart. Someday, you and I may be capable of giving generously from filled hearts. Someday. Compassion for another isn’t sustainable without agape coming in.
God, help me receive and give. God, help us all…